Having A Hobbie

A very successful way to reduce the impact of stress is to get a hobbie! So simple, yet so effective.

Many teens (including myself!) think that they are too busy to spend the time participating in extra activities, and may believe it will lead them to become more stressed. There is some truth in this because obviously if you take part in lots of additional interests, you may find that you don't have enough time to complete the things in life that you have to do, such as school work etc. However, involving yourself in one or two extra activities that you enjoy, can be a very efficient way to relax. Don't worry if you find it hard to relax at first, it is a skill that needs to be learned. 

Apart from going out with my friends, some of my favourite hobbies are painting, writing and singing. During school term times, I do have to limit myself on how much time I spend doing these activities, although I always make sure that I have a slot each week to do one of them. In the holidays I have a lot more spare time to do these things and to try out new activities too, such as fishing which surprisingly I really enjoy! When I am participating in these interests, I find that I forget about the other things that are worrying me as I am concentrating on something else.   

Here is my painting of Marilyn Monroe

Doing something you enjoy will help to boost your mood, and hopefully this will help you to see things in a different light and you will realise that perhaps life isn't so bad. Relaxing in this way may even give you the energy to do some of those things which you hate dong but have to do. Maybe spend a day with a friend trying out each others hobbies, you might just find something that you love which you never thought you would! This was certainly the case for me when my friend introduced me to karate! It's the summer holidays now for most of us, so I hope that this will inspire you to get out there and do something you know you enjoy, or to try something new! 

Talking and Writing - Stress Off-loaders!

I find it incredibly helpful to talk about the things I struggle with. Since starting this blog, I think I have improved the way I am because I am talking about the things I find difficult. I am writing about ideas to help stop stress and anxiety, and this is making me really think about, and formulate workable techniques that everyone can use.

Before I started the blog though, I was fortunate because I had (and I still have) a network of people around me - friends and family - that I could talk to. However, I know I have said it before and I'll say it again, but it is very hard to open up to someone about everything. Generally though, I did talk about my biggest problems, but it was my thoughts and feelings about those problems that I struggled to disclose. I guess this was because I thought that people will always judge, even if they say they won't - its automatic. I read somewhere that judging things/people/situations is an automatic survival instinct.

So as well as talking to people as much as I could bring myself to, I also did a lot of writing. I really love writing, so maybe this is easier for me than it will be for others. I tried to write a diary everyday, but I found that this was extremely time consuming and hard to keep up. I did manage to do it for a year but there were huge chunks missing! This year I tried to do it again, but I got to March and haven't written any more since! I think if you are able to do it, diary writing is a good idea because you are able to keep track of everything that is happening in your life as it happens and you are keeping a constant record of your feelings, so you can see how they develop and change. This can help you to make informed decisions in future if you come across a similar situation as you have the details of exactly how you felt.

Another thing I like to do is throughout the year I will collect little notes about things or objects that act as memory-triggers. I collect them up and keep them in a box, then at the end of each year I write an 'overview of my year'. I started this four years ago and have managed to do it every year since. My 'overviews' started off brief but have gradually got longer as I like to keep a more in-depth record of things. The only problem with using this technique is that I can only write about the events that happened, I won't always remember my exact thoughts and feelings, but I still find it very interesting to write and remember important happenings. At the end of each year, after I have written my 'overview', I read last years one to see how my life has improved/changed. I think that doing this has helped me to develop as a person, and even if I feel like I have had a really rubbish year I will always find many positive things that happened too and this helps me to realise that it wasn't so bad after all. Often we tend to remember the bad experiences over the good, but using this technique helps you to think about and remember them all!

Picture source: http://webstuff4writers.com

Removing Yourself From The Situation

Today I have learnt first hand that removing yourself from an explosive situation is an effective step in resolving the problem. Notice that I used the word step. Simply removing yourself from the difficult circumstance will not resolve it, but it will mean that you will have the space to think more clearly, away from the heat of the moment. The ability to review the situation in a calmer manner is an essential part of the process of finding a solution and coming to a compromise.

When you get into an argument, you are fighting for your point of view, and everything you say seems rational in your mind. From my perspective, I know that I can argue for England and I can be extremely forceful about it, not letting others get a word in edgeways. When I am arguing I always think that I am completely right - otherwise I wouldn't be arguing about it! Even when I begin to realise that maybe I'm not so right, I hate backing down and admitting that I'm wrong. I am completely unable to swallow my pride.

That's why today I found removing myself from the situation for a few hours so helpful. I went and did something fun to take my mind of the situation for a while, but it also meant that when I was ready I was able to reflect on what had happened and the way I had behaved. Talking about it with the people I was with helped too, as they were able to give their insight on what had happened. It made me see that perhaps I over-reacted slightly because I was so caught up in defending my point of view. I got far to worked up about such a small thing, and the situation escalated because of my angry, defensive reaction. After taking myself out of the tense atmosphere for a while, I was able to return to the house in a much more relaxed state of mind. It took a lot for me to do what I did next - because I HATE apologising - but that is exactly what I did. Its not an easy thing to do at all, but that one word really can have so much meaning (if of course you do actually mean it). Sometimes though, that isn't quite the end of it, and you may be asked to explain exactly what you are sorry for. This takes even more courage because it is admitting you are wrong and explaining it specifically, which is extremely difficult for any human being to do! But I proved today that it really can be done. If you can't bring yourself to say sorry, then maybe a compromise can be more easily reached when you are in a calmer state!

Picture source: http://www.totallifecounseling.com

Defeating Guilt - Removing 'should' statements

I am reading a book by David D. Burns called 'Feeling Good , The New Mood Therapy'. It is an exceptional book, packed full of ways to overcome depression, and I would definitely recommend it even if you're not depressed!

One of the chapters I have been reading recently is about defeating feelings of guilt, and here I will share some of it with you.

Guilt is the emotion you will experience when you have the following thoughts:

1) I have done something that I shouldn't have (or I have failed to do something that I should have).
2) This 'bad behaviour' shows that I am a bad person.

This concept of 'badness' is central to the feelings of guilt. Without this, your hurtful action may lead to a healthy feeling of remorse. Remorse or regret are different from guilt as there is no implication that your actions indicate that you are a bad, evil, or immoral person.

Even if your guilt is unhealthy and based on distortion, once you begin to feel guilty, you may become trapped in an illusion that makes the guilt appear valid.

1) I feel guilty and worthy of condemnation. This means I've been bad.
2) Since I'm bad I deserve to suffer.

Therefore, your guilt convinces you of your badness and leads to further guilt. This cognitive (thinking), emotional connection locks your thoughts and feelings into each other. You end up trapped in a circular system called the 'guilt cycle'.

If you have actually done something inappropriate or hurtful, does it follow that you deserve to suffer? If you feel the answer to this question is yes, then ask yourself, "How long must I suffer? One day? A year? For the rest of my life?" Are you willing to stop suffering and making yourself miserable when this sentence is over? This would at least be a reasonable way to punish yourself because it would be time-limited. But what is the point of you abusing yourself with guilt in the first place? If you did make a mistake and act in a hurtful way, your guilt won't reverse your blunder magically. It won't speed up your learning process as to reduce the chance you'll make the same mistake in the future. Other people won't love and respect you more because you are feeing guilty and putting yourself down in this manner. Nor will guilt lead to productive living. So what's the point?

Certainly, if your behaviour has a needlessly hurtful impact on others, a small amount of painful remorse will add to your awareness and help you not to do it again.

The 'should removal techniques' are methods for reducing all those irrational 'should' statements you have been hitting yourself with, and therefore making yourself feel guilty with.

The first is to ask yourself, "who says I should? Where is it written that I should?" The point of this is to make you aware that you are being unnecessarily critical of yourself. Since you are ultimately making your own rules, once you decide that a rule is not useful, you can revise it or get rid of it. Suppose you are telling yourself that you should be able to make your boyfriend/girlfriend happy all the time, but experience teaches you that this is neither realistic nor helpful, you can rewrite the rule to make it more valid. You might say, "I can make my boyfriend/girlfriend happy some of the time, but I certainly can't at all times. Ultimately happiness is up to him/her. And I am not perfect any more then he/she is. Therefore I will not anticipate that what I do will always be appreciated."

In deciding on the usefulness of  a particular rule, it can be useful to ask yourself, "What are the advantages and disadvantages of having that rule for myself?"

Another simple technique for eliminating 'should' statements involves substituting in other words. The terms "it would be nice if" or "I wish I could" work well. For example, instead of saying, "I should be able to make my boyfriend happy", you could substitute "It would be nice if I could make my boyfriend happy now because he seems upset. I could ask what he's upset about and see if there's anyway I could help"

Another should removal technique focuses in on the fact that you don't really trust yourself. You may believe that without all these should statements you would just turn wild and go on a rampage of destruction, murder or even ice-cream eating! A way to evaluate this is to ask yourself if there was any period in your life  when you were particularly happy and felt reasonably fulfilled, productive, and under-control. Think it over before you read on, and make sure you have a mental picture of this time. Now ask yourself, 'During that period of my life, was I whipping myself with a lot of should statements?" I believe your answer will be no. So, were you ding all these wild, terrible things then? I think you'll realise you were 'should-free' and under control. This is prof that you can lead a productive, happy life without all these shoulds.  

Please note that some of this material has been directly lifted out of the book. I would also really recommend reading the book yourself because I have missed out a lot and adapted some of it because it doesn't make sense without the knowledge of beginning chapters!

Your Introspection Place

'Introspection' is basically a posh word for self-analysis. So, an introspection place would be a special place you go to contemplate your life. It may help you to think through difficult decisions, or may just be a place where you get the time for some stillness and quietness to reflect on life. This is a very simple, but effective concept with many benefits.

I was talking about this kind of thing, in yesterdays post, but I realise that for most of you, getting to a swimming pool regularly isn't all that easy, and when I return home it won't be easy for me either! However, I do think it is very important to have a special place where you can go to have some 'you time' and to think, away from everything. So, we need to find a more sustainable place, that will always be available. It needs to be a spot that you go to only for this purpose, so it is no good choosing your car as the special place, as you won't associate it with the deep-thinking and it will be hard to get yourself into the right mind set. On the other hand, it shouldn't be somewhere far away, as that will take effort to get to and then you just won't bother. Also the other problem with choosing a location far away, is that it won't be right there when you really need it.

When I get home, I will find a particular tree in the park very near to my house. I will be able to sit/lie/stand under it, subject to what mood I'm in (oh and also depending on what the weather has been like!), and then I will have the peace to think about what I want. I will only go to that one tree for this specific purpose.

So, you my be thinking, 'what exactly are the benefits?' Well to be honest, I've done things similar to this in the past and a number of positives have come out of it. When I need to make a decision, it will give me the space to think; to think about what I want, away from everyone. It is a space where you can think rationally, undisturbed. Also if your emotions are running high, getting out of the house and going to a tranquil space will have a calming effect. There is no one to get mad at or shout back at. Just you on your own with your thoughts. Some may not like this idea, but I think it is healthy to face up to what you are feeling/thinking. You may disagree and that's up to you, but what not try it?

Picture source: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Just A Little Something..

Lying in the pool, on my back, just floating, listening to each breath I take.

That's exactly what I have been doing A LOT the past few days. There is just something about it that I love. The sensation of floating is different to any other, and the loud, deep sound of my breathing makes it easy to hear and concentrate on. This may sound weird, but actually hearing my breathing so clearly makes me realise that I am actually living, I am a real, living, human life. By focusing on my breathing, I am able to escape everything that is going on around me. I am in my own little world. Closing my eyes, I can place myself anywhere I want to be. Be anyone I want to be.

I consider my life, and reflect on the many situations I face each day. Somehow, being in this position, away from everything, I can think a lot more clearly.

I guess its a shame that when I return home I won't be able to do this, but for now I am finding it the perfect method for relaxation and contemplation :)

You Reap Just What You Sow

Earlier, I was listening to one of Adele's songs, "Rolling in the Deep". Near the end of the song I heard the line "you reap just what you sow" and it made me think. It is a well known saying, but I've never actually sat and thought about the true meaning behind it.

It made me think specifically about relationships, and it is the time and effort you put into them that results in how much you get out of them. I know that relationships aren't exactly my strong point, and it was the ending of my most recent relationship that pushed me to finally create this blog. I know that when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am giving my all to it, but when I look back on them I realise that actually I didn't. At the beginning, when the relationship is new and fresh and exciting, I do put a lot of effort in, but when the novelty wears thin, I guess I don't bother as much. And then, surprise, surprise, things go downhill and the relationship ends. I was reaping what I had sown. I know this is terrible, but at least I am realising and recognising my mistakes, because now I can begin to work on stopping this. However, I also need to remember that not every single one of my relationships that has ended has been completely my fault. This is important as I don't want to damage my self-esteem by blaming myself for everything.

I didn't just think about boyfriend/girlfriend types of relationships, but I also thought about ones involving friends and family. I especially thought in depth about how this applies to family relationships, because for the last few days, things between me and my family have't been great. There have been many arguments, and things have got particularly worse now that I am on holiday with them, because we are spending all of our time together. Every time that they brought up one certain subject and tried to talk to me about it, I would get angry and close up and refuse to talk about it. The more that I refused, the more they pushed, making me angry, and resulting in an argument, and when arguments aren't resolved, there is always an underlying awkwardness and tension when trying to act normally again. So, today, when the subject was brought back up, although it was extremely hard, I sat there and talked to them about it and answered their questions. I didn't get angry or agitated, but I told them what they wanted to know. They were very happy with this, and grateful that I did talk to them, as before they were just worried about me. Now they felt reassured, and for the rest of today things have been fine with no more arguments.

Sometimes that's all it takes, a bit of communication to help sort things out. The more you talk, the easier it will become and the better the relationship will be. I know that this is tremendously hard in practice, but just give it a go and you might be surprised. I know that there will still be times when I don't want to talk about things, and that is okay. I just know that I need to be a bit more open with my family so that they don't worry as much and they will trust me more.

Putting hard work and effort into relationships really does help, and I do believe that you will reap all the benefits and get much more out of them.

The Small Issue of Friends

As teenagers, our friends mean everything to us. My friends are like a huge support network around me, and I know that I would be completely and utterly lost without them. However, friends can build you up, and then completely knock you down by doing something that really hurts you. Friends can be a major cause of stress in our lives.

I admit that in the past I have done some pretty bad things to my friends. I don't want to go into detail, but I know that there was one time in my life, where I compulsively lied to one of my best friends about a particular thing that was going on in my life. I span a big story to cover up what was truly going on, and this carried on for a while. But like most liars do, I got found out. She was devastated that I had done that to her, and that I wasn't able to tell her the truth. It took a while of talking, and explaining the truth, but she actually forgave me. She didn't just half-heartedly forgive me, but she completely forgave me. I am so thankful that she did, because at that time I really needed my friends to keep me on the right track. I knew from this experience that she was one of the truest friends ever, and she would support me no matter what.

They say, 'what goes around comes around' and I have found this saying to be surprisingly true. Quite recently a girl who I considered to be one of  my best friends, strung me a load of lies. I believed her, because well, why I wouldn't I? I went against my other friends and stuck up for her because I believed everything she told me. Well, when it came out that it was all lies I was really upset, and it completely shattered my naturally trusting personality. I was angry for a while, and didn't talk to her, but then I realised that she had only done the exact same thing that I had done a few years back. I talked to her and told her that I forgave her, admitting that I too had been guilty of doing the same thing. She opened up to me, and told me some of the things that were going on in her life. I wanted to be there for her and support her, just as my other friends had done for me.

So I guess that I just wanted to try and show you that friends are one of the most important things we have, and even though sometimes friendship hurts, if you work at it, it can be so worth it. If you give up on your friends each time something bad happens, then don't complain when people give up on you when you make a mistake. And also remember your past mistakes too. Nobody's perfect, and we all mess up.

Pleasure-Predicting

Often when I am stressed out or feeling down, I just can't be bothered to do anything. I just don't see any point in it because I don't think it will make me feel any better. I worry that getting up, going out, and doing things will make me feel more depressed, because when I'm stressed I can't seem to enjoy things. It becomes a vicious cycle really, because the more depressed I feel, the less effort I make, and the less I do. The less that I do, the more depressed I become. Does this cycle sound familiar to you?

Well, this is where 'The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet' comes in handy. Basically, you write down a list of different activities and before you do the activities, you rate them each from 1-10 (1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest) to show how much satisfaction you think you will get from doing that activity.Then, after you have completed the activity, you rate it from 1-10 again to show how much satisfaction you actually achieved from doing it. Hopefully, the outcome for most of them will be that you enjoyed it more than you expected to.

The activities can be simple things such as going for a walk with the dog, going shopping with some friends or reading a book. Simple activities such as these, contain the potential for personal growth. By completing 'The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet' and seeing real results, it will hopefully bring you a step closer to getting out of that vicious cycle. But remember that this will only work if you complete it truthfully and be totally honest with yourself!

Tonight

I had wanted to limit myself to one post a day, but I just couldn't help wanting to write another. When something is on my mind I need to write it down.

Tonight, I've been reading one particular blog that has really opened up my eyes. The person is so honest and open, although they convince them self that they are unable to open up. In fact, this person had inspired me with how much detailed information they have written about their life, and I wish that I could be just as open and honest about things.

Its hard to tell people your real thoughts and feelings, because it is opening yourself up, and letting people into your world and who you are. Although I tend to tell lots of people the stories of things that happen in my life, I guess I never truly open up about what these things do to me and how they truly affect me. In fact, I don't even let myself think about it. I just push it all away and convince myself that things will turn out ok... because they always do. But what if my current suffering is as a result of the many years of pushing all these things away, and not properly dealing with them? Yes, therapy does help me to talk about my feelings, but again, I'm talking to another human being, so I have my limits on how much I give away. Even though you should tell your therapist everything, I know I've still hidden a lot, because I'm just too ashamed.

I suppose I've actually managed to be able to put this stuff down, because I don't want everyone who comes on here to think that I've overcome all my problems. I want people to understand that I'm still battling with a lot, and I'm still making lots of mistakes every single day. But everyday that I'm making mistakes, I'm learning from them too, and everyday I become a stronger person. I will never find all the answers to having a stress-free life, but I want to share with others the things that I learn, so hopefully it will help them, or at least bring them some comfort.

The Jung Personality Test

A few months ago, my therapist recommended that I take the Jung personality test online to find out my 'type formula'. I was sceptical of this at first as I had taken various other personality tests, and none of them gave me any results that I felt specifically related to me. They were just for fun and had no real detail or meaning behind them. However, this test was written by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, who has been incredibly influential in the development of many psychological concepts. So, one day when I was bored, I thought that I may as well give it a go as I had nothing to lose. There are 72 questions, so it took a little while, but it was definitely worth it!

My type formula came out as E (11) N (50) F (75) J (22)

This stands for Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging, and the numbers in the brackets show the strength of the preference.

I read more into the description of my personality type and I was stunned at how true to me it was. As I read further into the detailed explanation it told me things about myself that I hadn't particularly thought about before, but as I read it, it just became more clear that this was me. The profile talked about how ENFJs believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, and I guess this blog reflects this part of my personality, because I'm wanting to help others. The description also said that "ENFJs know and appreciate people... they have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk of being hurt or abused by less sensitive people" (typelogic.com). Again, this is very true to me, and I can think of many occasions where this has happened.

The Jung career indicator determined careers most suitable for my personality type, and the top result came out as counselling. Interesting as this is exactly what I want to do!

Many of my friends have taken it, and they too are surprised at how accurate the results are. It is very interesting to read up about your personality type, and possible careers, and I know that it has helped me to understand myself better! So, why not give it a go?

Go to http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

What's this all about?

I am a 17 year old girl, currently studying A-levels at sixth form and I have always had a heart for helping other people.  

Every week for the past 7 months, I have attended one to one cognitive behaviour therapy sessions with my counsellor Anita Jaffe. I have found these sessions incredibly helpful as they have enabled me to cope with daily life. I feel that I have become more knowledgeable about my thoughts and feelings, and how that affects the way I perceive things, therefore affecting the way I act and behave. Anita has also taught me many coping techniques to help me manage my problems effectively. 

I am very grateful that I have been able to go to these sessions, however I know that the majority of teenagers aren't so fortunate. After doing some research I have found out that there isn't much out there for teenagers and this has inspired me to start a blog. I also hope to start up a stress prevention club for teenagers between the ages of 12 and 18, and I will write on here about my experiences and about how the sessions progress.  

So far, during my adolescent years I have struggled with many problems that have affected my everyday life and I know that I am not alone. One of the most recent obstacles I have had to face is panic attacks. They completely took over my life; from avoiding particular social events, to which subjects I chose to take at A-level. I just couldn't face quiet rooms. I know this may seem petty to some, but to me it was a big deal. I really felt that I would never get better, and that I would never be able to do normal things again. To my complete surprise, slowly but surely, I am getting better. I am learning to face my fears even though I thought it was impossible, and I am understanding that self-will is key to recovery. Therefore I hope this blog will be a beneficial source for others and that they will find my experiences helpful too. I also believe that because I am a teenager, other adolescents will listen to me because I know exactly how they are feeling as I am going through it too!